Advice for a newcomer...

A question I received via email recently: "Hi Ms Deanna, I'm new at this and I need help and have questions in regards to training this man whom would like me to be his Mistress and train him but I honestly have no idea where or how to begin. So if you don't mind talking to me or showing where to buy the clothes and so forth that will be great. Even it's a class or group I'll take anything right now. He's just not obedient in anyway. I need help..."

My reply: I recommend checking out fetlife.com it's free and you may find a lot of answers to your questions there. Once you've joined, add yourself to the Boston BDSM group and you will find announcements for some local fetish events to attend. Try a munch or pub night first if you're concerned that you don't have the right attire yet. A lot of my clothes are custom made or ordered online, but you may find a few things locally at Hubba Hubba, Dorothy's, or Eros Boutique. Then you can check out the fetish flea coming up in a few months - you'll find some great deals there on toys and floggers, even some nice corsets.

As for how to go about making him obey you, that may take some time. Be firm with your demands and expectations of him, setting rules and boundaries for his behavior. Try giving him some simple tasks to complete, specifying exactly how you'd like them done. (for example, clean my boots with your tongue, and I expect you to start from the heel and work your way up...) Likely he wants to be obedient, or he never would have suggested that you be his Mistress. However, he will never know how to serve you properly unless you tell him what you expect of him and make sure to scold him when he does something wrong or falls short of those expectations.

Punishments can work quite effectively , although there are some submissive men who respond better to privileges being taken away as opposed to obedience training in the form of physical discipline. I believe in using both. Set goals for his improvement and be sure to give him incentives. Such as the chance to worship your divine feet once he has completed his chore of polishing your boots and washing your stockings to your specifications. As motivating as giving him something to look forward to can be, in turn giving him something to fear will be just as useful in gaining his adherence to your rules. Don't make idle threats or he will begin to doubt your readiness to carry out his punishments. Let him know his inappropriate actions won't be tolerated and then follow up with a warning of what will happen if he continues such behavior or fails to satisfy your requests of him. A good old fashioned spanking usually does the trick. Although creative punishments that fit the crime can often sink in even deeper sometimes. (For example, if he puts a run in your pantyhose while washing them, make him wear the ruined pair in front of you.)

Remember he is looking to be guided and wants to please you. Keep in mind there is no one way to train him, but that you will mold him to your liking to do any tasks that you deem him worthy of. Whether they be degrading or otherwise humbling in some way, he will do them with pride simply because he adores you and is eager to have you train him. Once you have led him through your unique system of learned responses, ultimately you will have yourself a well behaved little pet which in turn will be rewarding to you as well.

Good luck on your journey together...